(I’m Going Home, I’m Going Home) Wondering Why/How Travelers Get Awesome Realizations

This morning, I opened my Facebook account to find out that I was tagged in a post. And this is just one of the types that would halt me from whatever that I was doing and since I share the same sentiment with the author of this composition, I just feel it would be a waste not to share it on my blog. So going home it is… Going home… Going home…

“Sunday, what a beautiful day. I woke up refreshed after knowing that I would finally get home and see my wife and daughter. I skimmed the book that I was reading hoping to get a few inspiration. It was not a religious book nor a Bible. It’s a book with several essays on it – on travel to Calcutta, London, New York, and some occasional literary reviews on books and authors. I read through some pages, put it down and pondered. The author’s words, exquisite!”

“I sometimes wonder why people who travel a lot developed a sense of maturity with how they view things. They developed a certain insight so deep it would pique your interest and make you ruminate, ‘How did he ever arrive to that awesome realization? ‘ If travelling opens our eyes to possibilities, to see the tiny details of the universe and the magnificent loom of God, then perhaps, I should start packing my bag and head to a wonderful journey. Travelers have gone through places, experienced cultures, met with different kinds of people. They tasted several flavors and basked at different types of weather. But on top of all of these, they suffered devastation, of rejection and failure, of loneliness and boredom, feasted on joy and sexual freedom, possessed by wisdom and knowledge until they settled down and found their way home. Only then, they started writing. Only at home. Not in other places. Home.”

“Thus, I am packing my bag once more, full of memories and experiences, of mistakes and heartaches, of myriad colors, of various notes, and unto the new chapter of the book I am making and towards a new insights about life. I have not gone to places, but I have gone through life.”

“And this time, I’m going home.”

Leomel Pasquin

Remembering Promises

Please allow me to write this post. Ignore the redundancies as I will be saying quite a lot of similar words or phrases over and over.

Few years back (2013) I remember how I asked rather desperately for a teaching job. Back then, I recall how I promised lots of things the moment I landed a job at a university. I begged Him to give me that position and I will do everything in order to secure it and keep it.

I knew how it felt to be cast away from something you always wanted. I was not given a second chance for the job I had back then. I know that was the reality of it all and I shouldn’t take anything personally. I know that full well. I believe I was so young and innocent back then about almost everything that I almost didn’t know anything about what I was doing. And so I really did promise myself that once I secured the position I was applying for back in 2013, I will do my job very very well. With passion, with all that I have, my expertise, any good quality I possess that I could capitalize on…

And for God’s grace, I got the position! I became the happiest ‘child’ on earth. I immediately went shopping for formal clothes, studied really diligently the history of the school, I consulted dictionaries, googled things I wished to understand more, and so on. I went to the final interview and I felt very good with all the compliments I got from Ma’am Nene. The school became my ‘therapy’ and I genuinely felt very happy everytime I entered the university.

Then again, major events continue to change our lives.

Year 2016 came second baby boy.

Fast forward to 2019 came baby girl.

In a matter of few years I became a mother of three.

Then life hits hard at times that I just wish to run away from everything, from work, from adulthood, from financial obligations, save being a full time mom for my baby (and her older siblings). I know, I know, I know. I know that these are all part of life but still, I feel very emotional at times. I would shout at home, throw tantrums, become really violent, and so much more to mention.

I went through a rough cycle of this and that. Only I knew what I was feeling.

But God is so gracious that I was continually pulled back from oblivion to the path of life.

Everytime I forgot, He makes me remember.

Everytime my feet diverge away from the right way, He modifies my formula.

And everytime I wish to run away from everything, He knows just what to do.

Now, I am regenerating, if not renewing, my enthusiasm that I had from the years back and I think it is high time I really lift all my worries to Him.

He alone can solve all our troubles.

He alone can make our problems go away.

I will remember all the promises I’ve sworn to myself during those times I was asking for ‘that’ position in the university I am working now. I really really need to feel that ‘something’ which I’ve always felt during my earlier years in the school.

Let me remind myself that I love my job ( I really do) and nothing could stop me from doing so. Not the demons of these times. Not my hubby, not my children, not my indulgence on the easier things, not my self-proclaimed what-you-may-call-it, etc.

I will revisit the child in me and bask in the pureness of her motives during the times she was just that and just dreaming.

I will renew what needs to be, regenerate what may have been lost, and remember all the promises I’ve said to myself to keep.

Truth: Unmetered

Don’t let it out just yet.

Don’t let it out hastily.

Lay the groundwork, gather the nest.

In preparing your haven is safe.

And don’t be deceived. It will not always mean peace. People are evil, they are jealous. They are violent, loud and unbelieving.

As it may come out like a storm, you have to fortify your surroundings before deciding for some blow.

Choose your method, don’t be some fool. Don’t make a fun out of yourself.

Be tactful and wise.

Don’t hurt yourself. Pray before anything else.

In praying, all the best will come to you.

But in the end, truth will set you free.

ON BEING ABLE TO WALK

At almost 11 months, my daughter, Denisse, is able to walk! She can already take more than three steps, putting alternately her right foot and left foot forward.

I was amazed that my child has already reached this milestone and I could not help but be astonished at how my little one carries herself around the space where she can ambulate.

Being able to walk—is this just some ordinary event in our lives?

Just this year I was put or rather I put myself in a difficult position where I believe I literally was not able to walk properly. Thanks to the help of my sisters and parents who helped me regain the balance that I lost.

These recent events in my life led me to believe that how we walk signifies a lot about us. Walking properly means having a certain amount of physiological, mental, emotional and psychological wellbeing.

If possible we should never incapacitate ourselves with this ability even just once because losing it could mean a lifelong loss of confidence to walk the way we did before ever again.

Being able to walk is more than just an ordinary part of our lives and always taking the courage to do it properly is quiet challenging at times. Perhaps it is one of the things that we need to reevaluate and reexamine now and again in order to maintain the reputation that we wish to keep. Of course, all the other factors come along with it.

Amidst this pandemic they cry, “Let us out! Let us out!”

Amidst this pandemic they cry, “Let us out! Let us out!” They are pleading. And I could not contain them anymore. It seems out of place to be writing these but maybe not. My thoughts keep screaming like they would explode if not put into paper. One by one, let us try:

  • I was wondering, what if the most dreadful thing happens to me? Then I will have failed to have “My Kind of Math” completed. I’ve always been crafting something about this something which I have not yet started with something either way. So I will have to find a way in order to realize my life project. Though frustrated every time… My children whining for my attention. Students works which need marking and reading. Household chores that keeps bothering me. I have to plan it out the soonest!  
  • Writing is my thing! I just know it is! I know I’m not good enough, not yet. I still struggle for words, I lack the discipline. Still a novice, an amateur. I did not even enroll in a program about writing when I was in college. But I am! I am! I will find my way to show it.
  • Why is it that everytime I try to pen my thoughts, they escape me and I couldn’t seem to have them back. If not they are already jumbled and I could never seem to put them back together. Sitting here right now, I’m earnestly trying to word exactly what I thought I’d wish to write. But try as I may, I still get the words different compared to how I originally phrased them in my mind. But I will have to try and put them back. Like a paper in shreds which needs to be pasted together. I will be able to do it!

And now they’re out and about… “No more screaming,” I say to them. One by one they will come out. And they will have to queue as I need to figure out how to lay them out into the open. Because amidst this pandemic my thoughts cry, and I decided to let them out.

Zerlin’s Post Quarantine Resolutions

Zerlin has many selves. In this post will be the Zerlin’s teacher self. So below are her resolutions after this quarantine.

Zerlin’s Post-Quarantine Resolutions:

  • Give students the Zerlin’s ebook for the subject. Purpose: to have some sort of module just in case things like this happen again.
  • Plan lessons not for the sake of compliance but for the sake of “because it is what needs to be done.”
  • Discuss with, teach, talk to, not nag at, smile at, appreciate, motivate, listen to students whenever chance permits.
  • Dress.
  • Kilay.
  • Bring back passion in teaching.

We only live once. As this pandemic is making us realize. I do what I want to do. I’ll post what I need to post. If ever He calls me, at least I’ve said a little of what I hope for after all of these.

P.S. :

I live to see
Miracles everyday
I live today
Like I did yesterday

Yet my faith is shaky
And my heart feels empty
Now my eyes are puffy
When will I trust in Thee?