Come, rain
and carry me away
Away from this mess
that I have created.
Bring me to the water
where ocean meets the sky…
And I will swim forever
and there’ll be no goodbye.
REPLY, SELF OF THE FUTURE
Dear me of the future,
Hi! I’ve been wanting to write this stuff to you to find out how you are these days. Maybe you are now in year 2030 or 2040? Are you still alive? I mean, are you still living? Or could you be…?
I’m not sure what you’re thinking but maybe you’re not in the mood to be reading something like this. But maybe you also want to peek at what you’ve been thinking in your early 30’s.
Let me fill you in with the following.
- At this very day, you have already reached past 31 years of existence. You have three kids, with two boys and a girl. The girl is very cute and strong! I could say by how she fights her second brother every time they show their love with each other going physical and all. How they love to box each other!
- You failed to finish your master’s degree yet you felt more liberated from the requirements they asked of you in order to graduate. Back then when you were supposed to enroll your thesis, you withheld just because you still lack appreciation and respect for some things. How you were so ignorant and despiser. I admit to many misgivings and wish I was more prudent, thrifty, and diplomatic. These, I really wished. But maybe because of my arrogance on not seeking our Father back then. Today, I seek Him every time! How about you now at (year 2030 or 2040 or so)? I hope you are reminded of your obligation.
- I recently obtained some voice to write about things I am inclined to write. And although I lack so many aspects of this craft, I still find time to pen my thoughts, emotions or whatever there is to ruminate about. I found help thru other women and friends who were ahead in knowing how to express themselves and also some other virtual friends who succeeded in persuading me to write. I could mention them here but I know you would always remember them. How they inspired you to write and think and write again. Let me know how you are right now, this year 2030 or 2040. How is your writing? Are you still writing? Do you still find your voice every now and then? Have you tried pursuing something with this craft? Or are you still dreaming of your Math and all? What do you love now? Is it Math? Or the arts? Or is it both? At this time, I’m still seeking whether this is okay or I am just having some detour or maybe I just do not know what I really want or I am just lazy and unknowing… I could sit all day, dreaming of writing my life away, of being a hermit, of being with myself and only myself. But woman! I never thought of this before, before engaging myself or giving in to my earthly desires or uncalculated actions which led me to a roller coaster life right now. Going back first to my masters, I still wanted to pursue it but I just can’t seem to see myself taking any course because at this point I already acquired lots of debt, in kind/in cash, which I would be paying off in five years or so. For a living, I am currently teaching. I love my job, I love the stress that comes with it. But most of the time, I could have been the hermit. Maybe, you know what I wanted to say. You know me! You were me, remember? Or are you an entirely different person now?
- At least now you are doing better than usual with home chores. You wash clothes more often, maybe 2 to 7 times a week. You do the dishes every so often when needed. You fold clothes and sweep the floor. You plan something for home decoration, which you forgot doing since you started your math life.
- You are thinking of holding the soil as hobby in the near future when your daughter is a little older that you can find time. You love the soil like a farmer. I just wish I will be able to really do it. I will do it. I will.
So now that I told you these, maybe you could answer the following questions for me…
- Have you read all those unfinished books? Were you able to understand the authors’ hearts?
- How are your friends, Kureil, Stun, Bham Bham, Shan, Nida and Nida, Kulisty, Margie? (What corny names! Hihi! Joke lang!)
- Do you still prefer ‘safe’ words whatever that means? Or you expanded your vocabulary? Are you not lazy anymore to choose right words and wait for correct timing? Because as you know right now, you seem to always say the wrong words at the wrong time and at the wrong place. Hehehe!
- And your voice, have you found yours? Hopefully!
- Are you still fat? Or maybe fatter? huh! You’ve got to be so indulgent with coffee and unhealthy habit you picked from somewhere. Your brand now is Great Taste (White Caramel). Are you back to brewed? Or maybe you stopped coffee-ing?! Haha, I can’t imagine you cutting back on that.
Reply, self of the future!
YOU ARE IN CONTROL
You keep blaming others why you seem to have no say over your life. At one time you waited ’til they’re gone before indulging on your favorite drama. You’ve been wanting to fix your room but you worry that others might not like it. You pick your dish but hesitate because of your ‘poor’ taste. They might get angry when you speak because you have no ‘credibility’ or whatever.
Girl! You’re not living your life! Who cares about your flaws? The simple answer is that no one cares about them. Or maybe, no one, until you let them see. All you have to do is try and change your approach on how to assert yourself.
Of course , you also need to consider other people but you need to make sure that such considerations are healthy for you and everyone else. But if you feel like your desires or wishes are being suppressed then it may be an indication that there is something wrong. And believe it or not, it is mostly you who/which is the problem.
Don’t get me wrong. This is not to say that other people are not factors for your messed up life. I am just trying to point out that you could also do some experiment, take the sunnier side, support your wishes, and stand up for what you believe.
It’s you and no one but you can decide who will rule your life.
Choose–you? or they?
Still, we have to choose Him.
I LIVED MY LIFE SO SIMPLY THAT IT BECAME TOO COMPLICATED
I was too complacent and I got ahead of myself saying that living simply is more than enough for me.
That is, if only I lived like that from the beginning to start with. I know I didn’t. I went back and forth. I exceeded what I can’t pay, in kind or in cash. I went over the minimum. I did what I couldn’t do. I promised things I couldn’t fulfill. I gave my heart but I took it back then gave my acting to someone else.
But I got tired and started yearning for simplicity…
I believe that living simply in its purest sense won’t complicate things ever. But I had this distorted notion of what I’d been doing and I deviated away from the real meaning of simple living.
I will forgive myself this once knowing I messed up real big. It’s okay. I will try my best. Really do my best to sort things out. Moving forward with renewed zeal and vigor.
I will dedicate my life to take that simple living again.
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Daily Blog 7/25/2020
Dear Self,
Let me be tired today. Let me feel the pain of this body. Let me feel exhausted from the demands of life. Let me be angry and ugly.
Let me shout. Let me sing. Let me pray. Let me indulge with the food I like.
Let me feel good even if my house’s a mess. Let me feel beautiful even if I’m fat. Let me fulfill the promises I made.
Let me feel guilty and guiltless.
LET ME LIVE.
It’s A Woman’s World
Looking at the world through the lens of a woman must be something. Women aren’t always moody, she’s on her off day for putting up with your shit. You see, for a woman, love is the whole history of her life. In a man, it is but an episode. Don’t try to understand women. Women understand women and that’s why they hate each other. And say what you want about women but I think being able to turn one sentence into a six-hour argument takes talent.
Of course, women don’t work as hard as men. They get it right the first time. It’s a thing of the mind. A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s and that’s only because she changes it more often. I think they also feed the ego of men when they pretend to not be able to open a jar. Because when you’re ‘play…
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Daily Blog 7/24/2020
It occured to me, or rather, I realized how I am not taking control over my life.
I wake up each day, worrying about how others would react if I mess up.
I tend to always revert back to being a people-pleaser instead of realizing my goals, be it short term or long term.
I complain that I could not fix my house the way I wanted to. I fuss over things but only up to that since I don’t act on what I believe I should do.
I read a lot of materials but I can’t seem to decide on what to believe, on what to hold on to, on what to follow or obtain as my guide.
I go back and forth, never seeming to stand still even for a short while.
The iron is not my hand and the cup is not of what I prefer.
I let others decide…for me.
I always postpone the day that I have full control of the things I need to have control over.
If not today, then when?
P.S. 1: This post is a little different from how it should have been written. I regret not typing this morning when a smooth flow of thoughts showered my mind. Still, nice try for this day.
P.S. 2: Much as I would like to have perfect grammar and flow, I just won’t be able to come to that since I have my terms and conditions for this blog series.
P.S. 3: Even though I told myself to try not to explain the behind chu chu, I still can’t avoid it. Hehe. We will come to that, yes!
P.S. 4: I feel glad I showed up today.
And you, how are you today?
Daily Blog 7/23/2020
Let me blog a little earlier than usual although as usual, my working space is messy. Nevertheless, I tried experimenting on a better position for my desk. I moved it from our living room to the unused room of the house and at least it gave a little mood boost for writing. Also, the new room is just right for me since I prefer not to be bothered when I write.
Some changes I made to how I do things are waking up in the morning just at the right time (or I mean the normal waking time), sweep the floor, boil water for morning beverage with my little ones, tidy up the mess I could, and look for combinations we could have for breakfast just to have something to energize us for the day.
I’m meaning to pick up from last time I feel like, “Wow! I could write!” And writing even just a few paragraphs each day would be helpful.
Here goes my words for the day:
“Go wander into the wonders of what you can do! Believe and you shall see!”
My Good Good Night
‘I sit at my desk while my eyes wander into the…
UNWASHED PLATES.’
Hehehe.
Gotta wash them before I sleep.
This kind of incident happen too many times into infinity when you thought you are done for the day but even after all the very hearty dinner, you have that responsibility to fulfill afterwards.
But, yes! It’s part of the recipe.
