The Portrait of a Writer

Cristian Mihai

I began writing in my most vulnerable years. I was dumb and arrogant, as most teenagers seem to be, and I did my best to pour greatness into every sentence I wrote. But I was also lying to myself, writing about what I didn’t know, pretending to know, and I got caught and people could see that I wasn’t willing to let them in – I was building this wall to protect my true self from anyone who would be searching for it behind my words. There was nothing that belonged to me in the stories I wrote.


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5/18/2020

Because I’m assuming my role as a mother! Tentententen, nanananananana… Mmm mmm mmm mmm…

Denisse’s teeth may be cutting through and she’s a little bit sick if not much.

Hopefully we’ll get some hours of sleep tonight.

Just blogging!

Monday is already acting up. And Tuesday? Kindly be good to us.

That One Prayer

That one prayer, I knew, changed things for the better.

It may have been a well-wish for a person, a whisper of hope, or a random good thought for another.

If each one does this, then imagine the whole world rejoicing! We could have prayed better than for this ‘thing’ to occur.

Collectively, our hearts’ desires determine what will be.

We will not be sad, but perhaps do better, wish better, hope better, bearing in mind that that one prayer will change things for the better…

Closing this Sunday with a prayerful heart.

I wish you well.

With love and compassion,

Zerlin (your struggling hermit)

Realizing Life Goals

I decided to take a detour instead of going straight to my destiny. If destiny is what it is called, the thing I wish to reach.

Here I am without that much but I know this much is enough.

Even a little could be many, if magnified by how we see it.

I’m coming here to know more, to realize my life goals.

So I will be saying good night. Indeed a good night tonight.

In Short, Money Motivates

I will go straight to the point and tell you this.

I am continually blogging nowadays for the sake of having more revenue. I blogged before but was too timid to go out into the open and the drive was just too weak. But then I went broke, almost bankrupt, so I’ve decided to look for ways to at least ‘add’ money to my pocket. Or perhaps, have more for my bills and all.

I badly needed extra income that I didn’t care anymore about what others would say. In the first place, were they there when I needed help the most? Were they able to help me during those very very difficult times? No, not really. Their sympathy was just not enough to get me through during those times and so I eventually conceded to being more practical rather than the idealist that I was back then.

I learned that money motivates me more than anything else.

I know it was just out of desperation to say that and there is a deeper philosophy to what I wish to point out here but it’s just beyond me to elaborate or support.

There’s so much more to explore in this newfound hustle and I’m not taking any dollar for granted. One dollar, two dollars, three… four… However big or small I will get my hands typing.

5/12/2020

And yes! After my post yesterday, Remembering Promises, I became quiet enthusiastic in doing my ‘work’ as a teacher. Actually, a facilitator. All the eagerness come from the students, and help will arrive to them if they seek it. So today, I answered queries and questions. Quiet fulfilling, if you ask me.

Remembering Promises

Please allow me to write this post. Ignore the redundancies as I will be saying quite a lot of similar words or phrases over and over.

Few years back (2013) I remember how I asked rather desperately for a teaching job. Back then, I recall how I promised lots of things the moment I landed a job at a university. I begged Him to give me that position and I will do everything in order to secure it and keep it.

I knew how it felt to be cast away from something you always wanted. I was not given a second chance for the job I had back then. I know that was the reality of it all and I shouldn’t take anything personally. I know that full well. I believe I was so young and innocent back then about almost everything that I almost didn’t know anything about what I was doing. And so I really did promise myself that once I secured the position I was applying for back in 2013, I will do my job very very well. With passion, with all that I have, my expertise, any good quality I possess that I could capitalize on…

And for God’s grace, I got the position! I became the happiest ‘child’ on earth. I immediately went shopping for formal clothes, studied really diligently the history of the school, I consulted dictionaries, googled things I wished to understand more, and so on. I went to the final interview and I felt very good with all the compliments I got from Ma’am Nene. The school became my ‘therapy’ and I genuinely felt very happy everytime I entered the university.

Then again, major events continue to change our lives.

Year 2016 came second baby boy.

Fast forward to 2019 came baby girl.

In a matter of few years I became a mother of three.

Then life hits hard at times that I just wish to run away from everything, from work, from adulthood, from financial obligations, save being a full time mom for my baby (and her older siblings). I know, I know, I know. I know that these are all part of life but still, I feel very emotional at times. I would shout at home, throw tantrums, become really violent, and so much more to mention.

I went through a rough cycle of this and that. Only I knew what I was feeling.

But God is so gracious that I was continually pulled back from oblivion to the path of life.

Everytime I forgot, He makes me remember.

Everytime my feet diverge away from the right way, He modifies my formula.

And everytime I wish to run away from everything, He knows just what to do.

Now, I am regenerating, if not renewing, my enthusiasm that I had from the years back and I think it is high time I really lift all my worries to Him.

He alone can solve all our troubles.

He alone can make our problems go away.

I will remember all the promises I’ve sworn to myself during those times I was asking for ‘that’ position in the university I am working now. I really really need to feel that ‘something’ which I’ve always felt during my earlier years in the school.

Let me remind myself that I love my job ( I really do) and nothing could stop me from doing so. Not the demons of these times. Not my hubby, not my children, not my indulgence on the easier things, not my self-proclaimed what-you-may-call-it, etc.

I will revisit the child in me and bask in the pureness of her motives during the times she was just that and just dreaming.

I will renew what needs to be, regenerate what may have been lost, and remember all the promises I’ve said to myself to keep.